Kids Learn from Us | Coop Halloween Fest | Pumpkin Palooza
Last week, I asked about arguing with the spouse.
Interestingly enough, while it was one of the more popular newsletters, the poll turned out to be the least popular with only a handful people filling it out. Half said they don't argue much, and gave great advice. Still I wonder if there might be a silent majority out there. ;-)
I really appreciate the great tips folks gave. Thought I'll take the time to share, and have made all the comments anonymous.
I appreciated this one about being oldest or youngest child -- I can definitely relate to that bossiness of the oldest. ;-)
- "My husband comes from a conflict avoidant family. He’s also the youngest. It’s easy for him to just go with the flow. The difficulty for me has been learning how to be mindful of his needs when he won’t advocate for himself. My prior husband ran over the top of me, and I put up with it for the sake of peace until I couldn’t take it anymore, and I left him. I really don’t want that shoe on the other foot! So I try to always remember how much I hated being bossed around, so that I’m mindful of what my husband needs while I’m doing the oldest child leadership thing."
This one also has a good point. A lot of it isn't how we are individually but the weight of juggling work and life, including kids!
- Older and wiser after 20 years of marriage. We try to be cooperative in household management and parenting. Also I don't mind working part time and taking on more household chores. This arrangement reduces quite a lot stress that comes with juggling work and life.
This one is very wise. :)
- After 15 years of marriage we've learned some key things that have helped us. The first is that there is a difference between constructive conflict and destructive conflict within communication, constructive being the good kind and destructive being the bad kind (as in it only helps to destroy the relationship between the two individuals). Conflict is a part of gaining understanding of any issue or idea when other views or opinions may oppose our own. In other words it is the ideas that are conflicting, not the people, which is important to remember. We can and should respect both the feelings and opinions of others. The second point is that the stress levels involved in discourse once elevated beyond a certain level become unproductive. It may be important to agree before hand on when and how to put a conversation or argument on hold until everyone cools down a bit. Not easy, but basic anger management 101 and very important for kids to learn how to do this.
Lastly, we all know that children learn both good and bad ways of communicating from us parents and those around them and that they will unknowingly repeat / mirror what they see creating habits good and bad. So it's important that we realize we're teaching at all times whether we want to be or not (basic again, but not easy when in the middle of a disagreement).
Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella gave one book to every individual at Microsoft after being appointed CEO. The book is titled 'Nonviolent Communication A Language of Life." It deals with all of this and more, and is a worthwhile read for anyone. Link below (check the reviews out):
https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships/dp/189200528X
Thank you! I've very humbled by your sharing. And that book is one I really love. I can talk more about that another time if you'd like.
Speaking of how children learn form us... I've been talking to my son about the need to explain anger instead of expressing it (usually for him in the form of walking around the house being SILENTLY UPSET.)
You know how sometime you talk to your kids, and you think or hope they got it, but honestly have just no idea? :)
Well, apparently my 4th grader was totally listening! Look at this nice note he wrote (in cursive no less) when he was upset with daddy about something.
"If parents act strictly it wont' solve the problem. From the Talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk [the book] and mom's emails it said that punishment & rewards and the so-called "fear tactic" will not persuade the child to fix what is wrong.
Also, I can feel like a slave when I have to do something, because [he means and] some things kids never get to try (unless it's unsafe?)."
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